I’ve been remembering a few things over the last few days of memories when I had colitis, things like when Danny had been in the bathroom at home and within 15 seconds I would need to go to the toilet but because I couldn’t wait for him to come out, I would have to go the toilet in the bin or in a bucket in the bedroom quite often. You definitely loose your dignity.
Or eat that slice of pizza that I knew I would suffer with. Or like last year for my Dad’s birthday we went out to a restaurant and I didn’t even finish my main meal before we had to leave, or the terrible mood swings I would have because of how I was feeling, things that however close you are to your partner/ family you can not fully explain to them for them to understand.
Some of the worst things that I remember is right at the start, when I hadn't been diagnosed with UC, We had gone to Danny's Dad's house for a curry and I suddenly came over all hot and sweaty and desperately needing some fresh air. The pain was unbearable I didn't have a clue what was going on.
We got home and I was just violently sick and retching, even though there was nothing in my stomach and it really ached. I just thought it was the curry been too hot for me or something not that that would be the start of things to come.
Or been out in the car usually on the way to work or back home from work and I would have to try and coax myself in to that it was all in my head and I didnt really need to go the toilet or the pain in my stomach wasnt so bad, and then the accident would happen, I just couldnt hold it in any longer and we are talking seconds before it happened, not like a normal person can hold it.
We recently went to Harrogate for a wedding, and we had gone out the night before and I was really careful what I ate in case of having a flare up, we were walking back to our hotel room after having a lovely night and instantly I needed to go, we were only 200 yards from our hotel but I had to rush in to a pub and go to the toilet but I didnt get there on time and had yet another accident. I ended up having to throw my leggings and underwear in the bin and walk out of the pub as if everything was normal.
It was bloody awful I tried to keep it together but as soon as I got back to the hotel I couldn't stop crying. Danny was brilliant once again, but that was hard knowing that the wedding was the next day and the same thing could easily happen again.
Luckily it didnt and I did try and have a good time, but it was always on my mind that it might just happen when I least expected it and might not be able to get to the toilet on time. As much as I had a good time I was pleased to be going home so that it was easier to deal with if it did happen.
I can't tell you what a hugh relief it is to not feel like that anymore, to not worry about going out even to the corner shop in case of it happening, that we can go out and thoroughly enjoy ourselves knowing that that is part of our history not our future.
We have a friends wedding coming up in July and I was so nervous about going in case the food didnt agree with me or that the toilets were too far away to get too. That I am pleased to say has all gone, now I can't wait to go and get dressed up feel nice and relaxed and just enjoy our time there.
It is an amazing feeling and I feel a very lucky lady.